This column isn’t an academic exercise—I’m writing about this topic to come to grips with my own mistakes. As the title suggests, I’m reflecting on a time when I screwed up. In my case, I mishandled a work conversation—poorly regulating my emotions, refusing to listen, and likely damaging relationships. In one unhappy meeting with a colleague, I broke nearly every rule I’ve spent 30 years writing about. Afterward, I felt embarrassed and sad, especially since I believed my actions slowed down our team’s progress.
In one unhappy meeting with a colleague, I broke nearly every rule I’ve spent 30 years writing about.
So, this column is about a topic that is very important to me, and I hope it helps some of you: What should you do when you screw up? Here are some of the steps I am taking.
1. Face the Facts
When we mess up in some way, most of us are quick to explain away our mistakes. One of the features of our brains is that they come with defense mechanisms that keep us from feeling failures too deeply (Vedantam & Mesler, 2021). Our ability to make excuses helps us move through hard times, but it also inhibits our ability to learn from our mistakes. Therefore, the first step in recovering after we drop the ball is to see and acknowledge what we did wrong. This is especially true for people with structural power. Higher positions are no justification for bad behaviors, and if we hope to clean up a mess that we made, we need to start by recognizing what we did in the first place to make the mess.
2. Learn from Your Mistakes
Perhaps the one good thing about botching a situation is that your mistake provides an opportunity to learn something important. After you screw up, take the time to reflect. If your problem arose because you failed to regulate your emotions, for example, ask yourself, What is the root cause of my emotion? What do I need to address inside myself? Trying to suppress your emotions likely won’t work—emotions are signals that point us toward something important. When we act in ways that run counter to our goals, we likely have unresolved issues within us. When we understand why we react in ways we regret, we have a better chance of not repeating the behavior.
3. Act Quickly to Make Amends
As soon as possible after making a mistake, communicate your regrets and apologize. The quicker you address the issue, the better.
The quicker you address the issue, the better.
After you’ve apologized, schedule one-on-one meetings with the people involved. During these conversations, set aside any attempts to justify your actions. Instead, ask each conversation partner to explain their concerns, then listen with empathy. After they have shared their thoughts, paraphrase their words and use Amanda Ripley’s question, “Do I have that right?” to ensure you understand their point of view (Ripley, 2021). If your partner doesn’t think you understand them, keep listening without judgment and asking questions until they think you do understand.
4. Commit to Change
Learning, listening, and apologizing are all important, but they won’t mean much unless you translate your learning into action. When you identify the root cause of your behavior, identify what you can do in the future to reduce the likelihood of a repeat performance. Consider sharing your plans with a good friend who can give you candid feedback. After listening and reflecting, do your best to turn your plans into action.
5. Extend Yourself Compassion
Finally, don’t forget to extend compassion to yourself. As Kristin Neff (2011) emphasizes, we should “treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring, and compassion we would show to a good friend, or even a stranger for that matter” (p. 6). Most of us have had days we regret, whether in the classroom or conference room. What matters is how we learn and grow from those moments. Yes, we screwed up, and we need to accept responsibility for our mistake. But nobody is perfect. As we learn and change, we need to recognize our own imperfections and extend the same compassion to ourselves that we would to others. In the end, self-compassion is the foundation that helps us learn from our mistakes and continue moving forward.
When You’re on the Receiving End
What if you’re the one hurt by someone else’s behavior? First, assess if the behavior is a one-time fluke or a pattern. If the mistake is isolated, and the person sincerely apologizes, consider extending grace and forgiving them. Holding onto hurt can interfere with your ability to move forward in a healthy way. Forgiving others is a way to free yourself from that burden. However, if you find yourself needing to forgive the same person repeatedly, it might be time to distance yourself from them for your own well-being.
